Theme

"Come, follow me." (Mark 10:21)

About the Author

Susan Cunningham Susan Cunningham is the Associate Director for Concentrations at the Center for Interdisciplinary and Special Studies, where she coordinates the work of six multidisciplinary concentrations (African American Studies, Asian Studies, Environmental Studies, Latin American and Latino Studies, Peace and Conflict Studies, and Women's and Gender Studies). She also teaches in the Department of Sociology and Anthropology, in particular, courses on Violence and Social Inequality. Her scholarly work includes quantitative research on the correlates and consequences of child maltreatment. Her course syllabus on Children and Violence was selected as a finalist in the Harry Frank Guggenheim Foundation's request for course proposals in the interest of promoting nationwide college teaching on violence-related topics.

Thinking Out Loud

In the early 1990s, before I came to Holy Cross, both my family and my neighbors' family lost children. In our case, we had had a foster child living with us for a couple of years; he was i11 when we found him. We were seriously considering adopting him. He was a very damaged child in about every way possible, although one could also see his strengths and potential, were he born into another situation. Mark, our child, was both bright and artistic. Unfortunately, because of his physical and sexual abuse as well as neglect, he struggled, just in the ordinary things of life, to say nothing of school. We were eventually told that he was "unable to bond," as the specialists put it. Nonetheless, my husband, son, and I loved Mark dearly. The story has not the ending I'd like to be writing, in that we lost Mark when he was a teenager. His state agency decided he must be institutionalized on a rather permanent basis. Because he was from out-of-state, he was removed from us and returned to his home state; there were financial reasons to house him in his own state. Subsequently, Mark's home state discouraged us from continued contact.

For all of us in the family, Mark's story has been heartache. We didn't agree with the decisions made for him and tried to adopt him, so that the financial thing would not be an issue. It was very discouraging to watch, as Mark's best interests were not being addressed. And, we were helpless, in that we couldn't fight the state. We did fight for a while, investigated legal action, and eventually were discouraged from doing that by a couple of child welfare specialists from Children's Hospital. We learned that we might win the case but not the child. This was truly a time of difficulty and challenge for us.

During the years that we were experiencing our situation with Mark, our neighbors, who are close friends, adopted a child. Charles, their child, was an infant when he became a part of their family. One day, when he was five, Charles died in his sleep. The autopsy showed that he had a virus that attacked his heart; in fact, he had just been to the doctor the day before for treatment of a stomach virus. Needless to say, Charles's parents were devastated. For both them and us, it was a time that tested our faith.

The reason that I mention my friends' in this story of loss is that they received advice from our pastor that has stayed with me ever since and has truly been a comfort. Our pastor said, "God doesn't just work in wholesale, but he works in retail, too." He was encouraging our friends to seek solace from God directly in prayer (wholesale) but also from friends (retail). When I read the biblical passages for Sunday, Oct. 8th, I am so struck with the message of God's working in retail. In Genesis, the passage reads, "It is not good for man (people) to be alone." That is a lesson I have learned with both the joys and sorrows of my life. The passage from Hebrews talks about Christ being "made lower than the angels, that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone." Paul goes on to speak of the one origin we share and the fact that we are all brothers (and sisters). Again, the message I hear from those words is the necessity of human connection; Jesus modeled it for us. We need each other. Because God works "in retail," he works through the people in our lives.

I didn't always know it then, but I know now that God was working through our Mark in my life. Since my experience parenting him, although I no longer have him in my life directly, his memory and legacy live on. (I have one of his watercolors hanging in my office.) Mark's special legacy to me is that he sparked my intellectual and emotional interest in abused children. Since then, I have studied child abuse, in its various forms, in depth. In addition, I have undertaken several research projects, resulting in publication, which have expanded my understanding of child abuse and related issues. Although it was necessary to grieve Mark when we lost him, I wanted to convert that energy into something constructive; hence, the teaching and research on abused children. But, notice the human connections. During our grieving time, we were so supported by our family and friends, as were our neighbors, Charles's parents. We survived, even thrived, on those connections. Even with my teaching and research, I am trying to forge further connections with those interested in addressing child abuse issues.

In the gospel of Mark (coincidental?), it reads, "Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." It continues, pointing out our need to "accept the kingdom of God like a child." God keeps drawing us, his children, to the "kingdom." It is in these connections, the divine and the human, that we experience the psalmist's prayer, "May the blessings of the Lord follow us all the days of our lives." To the extent that we allow ourselves these healing connections, in wholesale and retail, we are blessed all our days.